


I'm So Sorry, My Son

by Starra



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Age Difference, Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Backstory, Bad Ending, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Canonical Rape/Non-con, Character Study, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Don't blame me I'm just going off canon, Extremely Underage, F/M, I feel so bad, Like... extreme angst, Loss of Innocence, Menstruation, Parent-Child Relationship, Please Don't Hate Me, Pre-Canon, Puberty, Teen Pregnancy, oh my god i'm so sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-10-01 07:36:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17240141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starra/pseuds/Starra
Summary: The story of Yut Lung's mother and how she came to meet her extremely tragic, untimely death.(THIS IS REALLY DARK AND REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE but I promise it's just going off what Yut Lung told Blanca at the end of the series. PLEASE don't read if the tags upset you...)





	I'm So Sorry, My Son

**Author's Note:**

> I um. Uh. First fic of 2019 and it's this. Right.
> 
> I've been thinking about Yut Lung's mother and her story a lot and it makes me really upset. I genuinely think she had one of the most tragic stories in the series, and she had some tough competition. 
> 
> I have no idea if Mingming is a name used in Hong Kong or not but it worked with the theme naming so there you go. Also she's basically an OC, but at least we have a few images of her, unlike Eiji's sister who's shown in like, one small panel lol.
> 
> Again: PLEASE READ THE TAGS and don't read if it's something that will trigger you. I wrote this mainly as an exploration, I am in no way trying to glorify any of this. But I don't want people to read it if they don't feel comfortable about it. (FWIW, it makes me uncomfortable too...)

Mingming was ten when her family sold her. The man who had purchased her apparently had a lot of money, and had agreed to pay her family well. He was short and old and was losing his grey hair, and Mingming couldn't tell how old he was, but he was definitely older than her father, and maybe even her grandfather. She had no idea why he wanted her.

The man, Lee Hong Lung, as he was known, lived in a house so grand Mingming swore it was a palace. She had her own bedroom, including a bed which was far too big for her. One of the first things Hong Lung did was offer to purchase her some new clothes, as Mingming only had rags. Her family had never had money for clothes, so when a maid took her to town, she didn't know where to look. She ended up buying casual clothes, a fancy dress robe, and even some new underwear (the two pairs Mingming owned were getting rather old). The maid asked her if she needed something called a bra, but Mingming didn't know what that was, so she said no. She'd never heard of such a thing.

The house was usually buzzing with servants and staff. Sometimes, Hong Lung's sons came to visit. They were older than Mingming, and they scared her. She didn't like the way they leered at her. But she ignored it. They were probably just jealous their father was showing so much interest in her, Mingming thought.

Hong Lung was often out on business, but when he was around, he treated Mingming well. He always made sure she ate properly, was bathed and dressed, and even gave her music to listen to. It was only classical Chinese music, but Mingming didn't mind. Her family didn't even have a record player at home, so she had never listened to music much. There was one record in particular that she loved, and she played it quietly in her room over and over again, until it slowly accumulated scratches and occasionally skipped forward a second or two in certain parts. But Mingming didn't mind.

 

* * *

 

When Mingming turned eleven, Hong Lung started hiring tutors. Mingming couldn't read or write, so she found it hard, but she quickly learnt how to write her name. The first time she correctly wrote it, without messing up any of the brush strokes, she felt proud. After her lessons that day, she took the sheet of paper with her name on it to Hong Lung to show him. He praised her for her efforts and her progress, and gave her a hug and some pats on her head. It made Mingming feel good. Hong Lung gave her larger servings than usual for her dinner and an extra helping of jelly for dessert. He had the paper framed within the next week, and Mingming proudly hung it on her wall.

 

**明明**

 

Hong Lung's sons started to visit more frequently. The eldest, Wang Lung, made Mingming feel uncomfortable. He looked at her in a way she couldn't describe, and she felt like he was always watching her. Wang Lung never actually spoke to Mingming, but Mingming was grateful for that, because she didn't think she'd know how to respond to someone as intimidating as Wang Lung. She made sure to either hide in her room as much as she could, or stick close to Hong Lung if he was at home. She knew they wouldn't hurt her in front of him.

Sometimes when Hong Lung's sons were alone in the same room as her, they'd talk in English. Mingming didn't speak English, but she had a feeling they were talking about her. They'd snicker at Mingming when she tried to do things, and sometimes if she left the room, her teacup would be empty upon return, and Mingming definitely hadn't drunk all of her tea. Mingming knew one of them had drunk it, but she didn't say anything. She could just ask for more tea once they were gone, after all.

She noticed her hair was starting to take longer for her maid to brush each day.

 

* * *

 

Mingming was thirteen when she got her first period. She didn't know what was going on, and her maid explained it to her after noticing the blood on Mingming's underwear. Apparently it meant Mingming was now a woman, and that her body was changing. Mingming was scared. She didn't want to change. She liked her body.

That night, as Mingming lay in bed listening to her favourite record trying not to think about her body, Hong Lung came to her room. He said the maid had told him what happened. Mingming wondered if it meant that Hong Lung was going to hate her, but Hong Lung reassured her that it was something to celebrate. Quite why, Mingming didn't know.

Hong Lung gave her a hug and a kiss on the forehead before he left. He'd started gently kissing Mingming lately. She wasn't sure if she liked them or not. But she didn't complain.

Her maid took her back to town to buy a bra, as Mingming's breasts were starting to grow, too.

 

When Hong Lung came back after a business trip some days later, he told Mingming to visit his bedroom that evening after she had gotten ready for bed. He'd never asked her this before, so Mingming was confused. But she said yes, because Mingming was a good girl, and she didn't want Hong Lung to hate her.

 

Unlike Hong Lung's usual hugs, she hadn't liked the hugs he gave her while she was in bed with him. And he'd made her take her clothes off for him, including her new bra, which made Mingming feel embarrassed.

Mingming lost her virginity that night.

She was too scared to tell her maid why she was so tired the next morning, and Mingming hoped her maid couldn't tell that she'd been crying herself to sleep once she was back in her own bed.

She'd stopped paying attention to how long her hair was getting.

 

* * *

 

During the summer of the year that Mingming was fourteen, Hong Lung had, once again, gone away on a long business trip. Wang Lung came to visit her by himself, but on that day Mingming was feeling unwell. She hadn't been feeling well for a few days, but it was getting progressively worse, despite her trying to fight it. Wang Lung asked her if she needed anything, and Mingming said no, because she didn't want to have to owe him something.

Wang Lung didn't appreciate Mingming talking back to him, so he slapped Mingming's face with enough force to knock Mingming over. It hurt a lot, but Mingming didn't cry. She'd done enough crying. Wang Lung shouted at her and called Mingming a word she didn't understand. But Mingming could tell he was insulting her.

Mingming threw up that afternoon, and had to admit to her maid that she was ill. Her maid asked her a series of questions Mingming didn't entirely listen to. Mingming took herself to her room to rest. She tried to listen to her favourite record, but it had gotten too scratched and no longer worked properly.

 

Hong Lung returned after another week, and Mingming's health hadn't improved. She had been throwing up most days, had no energy, and was noticing that her clothes were no longer fitting her quite right.

A few days later, after a doctor visited her, Mingming was told that she was pregnant. That meant that she had a baby inside her, and she'd made it with Hong Lung. Mingming then learnt why Hong Lung had been inviting her to his room and touching her most nights.

She didn't see Hong Lung's sons while she was pregnant. Hong Lung said he was keeping them away so that they wouldn't bother Mingming. Mingming didn't get why.

 

Mingming gave birth to her son when she was fifteen. Hong Lung chose to name him Yut Lung, following the family's traditions. The "Yut", which meant "Moon", was picked because the hanzi character made up part of the character used to write Mingming's name. Mingming wasn't paying attention, she was too exhausted as she held her baby in her arms. He was tiny, and Mingming was scared that he'd die if she dropped him.

She didn't want this responsibility.

 

* * *

 

Mingming couldn't cope with raising her son. She wasn't getting any sleep, and her son cried all the time, and she couldn't soothe him. Mingming couldn't handle changing him, and she was so tired she wasn't producing enough breast milk to properly feed him. She felt like a failure, but Hong Lung told her that this sometimes happened, and that it would be okay. Mingming was glad Hong Lung wasn't having sex with her at the moment.

After her son was switched to baby formula and was getting enough to eat, he stopped crying as much. Mingming was usually too tired to feed him, so her son stayed in her maid's room instead while Mingming attempted to sleep. But she could still hear her son from the other room, and she wanted to scream like that herself some nights.

 

When her son was six months old, he was introduced to his stepbrothers. Mingming held him tightly as Hong Lung explained the situation to his older sons. Mingming didn't even notice if they were still watching her in the way they used to. She was too tired to worry about them.

Yut Lung started crying when Wang Lung tried to take him from Mingming's arms.

 

* * *

 

Over time, Mingming recovered. By the time her son was one, he was back to sleeping in Mingming's room, and she was able to feed him. Hong Lung asked Mingming if she'd been singing him lullabies, but Mingming said she didn't know any. Hong Lung bought a record that included several popular lullabies for her son's first birthday. Playing it made both Yut Lung and Mingming sleep better at night.

Hong Lung's sons attended Yut Lung's birthday party. Mingming realised that Wang Lung was, in fact, still looking at her in the way he used to. She had a word for that look now: lust.

 

Yut Lung's first word was "Mama". He said it one day when he was standing in his crib and Mingming had her back turned to him. She felt strange being called "Mama".

 

Hong Lung started telling Mingming to come to his bedroom again when Yut Lung turned two.

Her son's hair was now long enough for Mingming to need to brush it every day. Every morning, she sat in front of her dresser with Yut Lung sitting in her lap. She held him with one hand, and brushed his hair with the other. His hair was jet black, just like Mingming's.

 

When Yut Lung was three, he started showing an interest in Mingming's hair. He asked her why her hair was so long and so pretty, and she couldn't think of an answer. Yut Lung then asked her if his hair would be long and pretty like hers. Mingming could only say "If you want it to be".

 

Once he was four, Yut Lung started to learn how to read and write. Mingming couldn't help him, as despite her lessons, she hadn't retained an awful lot. Yut Lung seemed to pick up on it quickly, and Hong Lung encouraged his reading by buying him picture books. Yut Lung proudly read to his mother before bed each night. He knew the names of all the animals in the books, what they were doing and the noises they made. His favourite animal seemed to be the cat, so Mingming got him a stuffed cat plush toy for his fifth birthday. Yut Lung loved it and fell asleep each night cuddling it in his arms.

The toy mysteriously vanished after his fifth birthday party, which his brothers attended. Mingming wondered if they'd stolen it, as Yut Lung liked to walk around with it, but Yut Lung told her he lost it.

 

Yut Lung was a bright boy, and his tutors always praised him. Mingming did too, but her praises were empty "well done"s and "good job"s.

 

She'd tried to love her son. It wasn't that Mingming _didn't_ love her son. But she never wanted him. It pained her that she didn't want him, but if anyone had ever asked her, Mingming wouldn't have been able to honestly say that she loved him. Even if her son loved her.

 

Not long after her son turned six, Hong Lung died under suspicious circumstances. Mingming was terrified, and she could tell something wasn't right. She thought about running away with Yut Lung, or at least trying to find somewhere safe for her son. She didn't care what happened to her, but her son had a future.

 

Mingming was twenty-one when Hong Lung's older sons barged in. She screamed and sobbed and begged for them to not hurt Yut Lung, but they didn't listen to her. Her son -- her six year old son -- watched as Mingming was violated by each of his brothers in turn. Eventually Mingming ran out of tears, but she still cried. In the midst of everything, Wang Lung called her what he'd called her seven years ago, and she now knew that word: "Whore".

Mingming lay on the cold wooden floor. She couldn't bare to look up to see if her son was okay. She didn't want him looking at her, not like this.

 

The last thing Mingming heard before Wang Lung dug his knife into her was her son crying "Mama".

 

The last thing Mingming thought before she lost consciousness one final time was _I'm so sorry, my son_.

**Author's Note:**

> I... really am sorry about this.


End file.
